So close.
And yet, focus is not present at all.
Unfinished work was handed in, and I was much less bothered than I should have been - or than would be normal for me.
I think about what next summer holds and I wonder how I'm going to make it work... I honestly have no idea - I only know I have to. I have to make it work, because not only am I so close to my current class being over, but I am so close to being able to graduate according to a schedule. So close to being able to know that's I'm going to actually get to not only graduate, but walk across that stage, and be a little bit selfish for one day - my day - and be able to say "I did it."
I've been thinking about that alot lately, actually...graduation. It was always just graduating and earning the degree that was important, not the stage. Not the actual act of walking across it and being able to know I accomplished something - the degree said that, there's no need to show it off. Except, I find myself more and more wanting to walk across that stage, and have my day, and take the crazy grad photos, walk the processional and recessional, and shake hands with whomever is on the stage handing me the rolled up piece of paper that simulates the degree I will receive. It all seems so romanticized in my head, but I want it. There's still something inside of me that says that's wrong, but somehow it doesn't stop me from wanting it.
I was supposed to be graduating this year, and that isn't going to happen, but I'm honestly okay with it - considering all that's happened, and that it has led to me being the happiest I have been in a long time...I'm really okay with it. But I don't have it in me to do three more regular sessions, and one - maybe two - classes preventing me from stepping across that stage is driving me mad. Yes, there's no guarantee that I'll come out of this giant plan alive, but I have to try. Yes, I could do them the spring/summer before my internship and then walk the stage a year later, after my internship is finished, but really what's the point in that? If I have to, I will, but it's not something I'm crazy about.
I get like that sometimes...headstrong on something to the point where nothing's going to stop me. Or at least, if it does, I won't acknowledge it until I've been shredded to pieces and acknowledging it is the only possible option anymore. That's kind of the problem, apparently.
Well anyways - off topic (as usual ahah).
I think I'm more than ready for a break from classes, but I do wonder what's going to happen next summer when I'm not going to have one, and I'm going to be overloading for most (if not all) of the summer.
Well, that'll come in time, I guess. I still need to check to make sure of what I need being offered, and where, so if I have to I'll try and beg to get some things swapped around ahah The way courses are offered is like 95% of the problem ahah
I know though, that what is in God's plan will happen, and if it isn't, then it isn't for a reason.
And as was pointed out to me this year...wouldn't it suck if I made it to the church and was too burned out to do anything.
I hated that advice when I got it. Mostly because the concept of "burn-out" was foreign to me, and the idea of ever burning out...well it doesn't exist for me. But once I got past that I realized how real that statement is. And how destructive we can be to ourselves; how destructive I can be to myself.
It's kind of ironic, really...working to the point of destruction so that I can help others, only to not be able to because I ripped myself apart along the way...
Okay, off topic again.
Sorry.
My mind really tends to go crazy places when I'm procrastinating studying.
I actually saw something on Tumblr tonight that showed a picture of tangled up headphones, with text that said something along the lines of "I have thoughts that are more tangled up than my headphones."
But really, how true is that of thoughts and life? I mean, I know it is for me... I would say "maybe I'm the only one", but seeing as someone else thought of it to put it online, I'm clearly not. That's one thing that can be comforting about the internet...it proves you aren't the only crazy person. Even when it feels like it. :P
Well, I've stumbled across some new music tonight. Here's one of the songs I found - pretty cool man.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TNISUqpzroE&list=PLAJOxab0My6Zn5Ani3f-6z8c7R6nImXII
I should probably at least dry-read through the other two chapters of slides, seeing as I only made it through one (smaller of the chapters) in like five hours tonight...
Almost there guys... Exam at 9, and then a break from classes for almost a month!
...Thank I might be a little bit excited? ahah
Not to mention - this will put me half way through my science requirements! Only three more credits to go for science, woo!
Alright all, I'm off.
Have a wonderful day everyone, and I hope you're all sleeping marvelously and peacefully.
Peace, love, and blessings :)
Friday, 14 June 2013
Wednesday, 12 June 2013
*smile*
Hey there :)
Well today has been a CRAZY day.
Just made it to the bus this morning to serve, and as always it was such a wonderful experience. I haven't made it out there the last three weeks, and I was really feeling it.
It's not about me, of course, but I've realized something over the last little while... I have been greatly criticized for everything I take on, and as a result have been given different suggestions and such as to how to better deal (right word?) with things. And while that has helped a great deal in many ways, it as also opened me up to learning about myself - whether I wanted to or not. And one thing I've learned is that this desire to serve others is ingrained so deeply in me, and while it can cause problems, it also cannot be ignored.
Something we learned about this year in one of my classes was the wheel of wholeness. It has many parts, and many different things make up each part. And while the wheel isn't exactly perfect, it does give enough to give you a helpful tool, and ideas about where you stand. What I realized today when I was walking back to dorm, however, was that serving is very much a part of my wheel of wholeness. Now that feels selfish to me, and to be honest serving has felt a bit selfish for a little while now, because I am so... addicted (?) to it. I guess I have more to think on about that part, but this all was definitely food for thought for me today.
While I was there this morning, I managed to get a nice war wound by having my arm stick to a very hot pot. I actually wasn't the only one to get burned by the pot this morning, and I wasn't even the first (that's only notable because of how often I end up injured ahah). It was apparently a morning of difficulties with that pot, and a morning of burns.
So long as I don't earn a new nickname because of this one, though...I have enough nicknames up here already ahah
So as the morning went on, I found out I did much better on my most recent mid-term than I thought I had. And, I did better than the last time, which I don't understand at all to be honest, but is nice, regardless.
In the last half hour or so of this class, we were assigned a big presentation that's due tomorrow, after we just finished lab presentations yesterday (which were HUGE), and there was no warning whatsoever about the one assigned this morning. It just continues to make me happy that Friday is the last day of this class.
I applied for more jobs again today, and have yet to become productive for this class, which is really going to cause a big problem... :/
There was more excitement today though, as the weather went rather crazy, and tornadoes were sighted and therefore a warning was issued (including our part of the city), and, at some point in all this mess a huge hail storm happened, as well. Now while I'm not all that shocked about the weather because of where I come from, it did add extra events to the day - that's for sure.
I also found some pretty amazing stuff on Youtube, one of which I'd like to share with you cyberworld. Te more I listen to it, the more I think. About the ways God works, and how we as humans think, and how we associate things.
Actually, quite a few things lately have opened me up to how we think, and feel, and so many other things, to be honest.
But I digress.
I encourage you to take a listen to this song - the more you listen to it, the more thoughts and realizations come (at least, that's my experience with it).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SGniRk_GcLs
I'd also like to share with you an article I read today from Relevant Magazine. I've read a few wonderful and thought-provoking ones lately, and I can't seem to get enough of them.
The one I'd like to share with you at this moment is about loving other people. It really made me think, and I hope that if you take the time to read it, that it'll make you think, too.
http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/whole-life/loving-hard
Well, I think that might be it for me guys. It's been quite difficult lately, truly, but even in all of the chaos and mess and brokenness there is love, and light, and hope, and grace. There is so much in this life that I take for granted, and I'm realizing this more and more lately.
Are you taking things for granted? Do you even realize it?
What about time...are you making the most of it?
Don't forget that you can take time for granted, too. And it is not something that is in our control. So like life, love, and everything else - it's up to us to make the most of it, and ask God constantly what He wants us to do, each and every day.
It's in Your hands, Lord. All of it, and all of me.
Thank-you for this life.
And everything.
Amen.
Goodnight all;
Good thoughts, and God Bless :)
Well today has been a CRAZY day.
Just made it to the bus this morning to serve, and as always it was such a wonderful experience. I haven't made it out there the last three weeks, and I was really feeling it.
It's not about me, of course, but I've realized something over the last little while... I have been greatly criticized for everything I take on, and as a result have been given different suggestions and such as to how to better deal (right word?) with things. And while that has helped a great deal in many ways, it as also opened me up to learning about myself - whether I wanted to or not. And one thing I've learned is that this desire to serve others is ingrained so deeply in me, and while it can cause problems, it also cannot be ignored.
Something we learned about this year in one of my classes was the wheel of wholeness. It has many parts, and many different things make up each part. And while the wheel isn't exactly perfect, it does give enough to give you a helpful tool, and ideas about where you stand. What I realized today when I was walking back to dorm, however, was that serving is very much a part of my wheel of wholeness. Now that feels selfish to me, and to be honest serving has felt a bit selfish for a little while now, because I am so... addicted (?) to it. I guess I have more to think on about that part, but this all was definitely food for thought for me today.
While I was there this morning, I managed to get a nice war wound by having my arm stick to a very hot pot. I actually wasn't the only one to get burned by the pot this morning, and I wasn't even the first (that's only notable because of how often I end up injured ahah). It was apparently a morning of difficulties with that pot, and a morning of burns.
So long as I don't earn a new nickname because of this one, though...I have enough nicknames up here already ahah
So as the morning went on, I found out I did much better on my most recent mid-term than I thought I had. And, I did better than the last time, which I don't understand at all to be honest, but is nice, regardless.
In the last half hour or so of this class, we were assigned a big presentation that's due tomorrow, after we just finished lab presentations yesterday (which were HUGE), and there was no warning whatsoever about the one assigned this morning. It just continues to make me happy that Friday is the last day of this class.
I applied for more jobs again today, and have yet to become productive for this class, which is really going to cause a big problem... :/
There was more excitement today though, as the weather went rather crazy, and tornadoes were sighted and therefore a warning was issued (including our part of the city), and, at some point in all this mess a huge hail storm happened, as well. Now while I'm not all that shocked about the weather because of where I come from, it did add extra events to the day - that's for sure.
I also found some pretty amazing stuff on Youtube, one of which I'd like to share with you cyberworld. Te more I listen to it, the more I think. About the ways God works, and how we as humans think, and how we associate things.
Actually, quite a few things lately have opened me up to how we think, and feel, and so many other things, to be honest.
But I digress.
I encourage you to take a listen to this song - the more you listen to it, the more thoughts and realizations come (at least, that's my experience with it).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SGniRk_GcLs
I'd also like to share with you an article I read today from Relevant Magazine. I've read a few wonderful and thought-provoking ones lately, and I can't seem to get enough of them.
The one I'd like to share with you at this moment is about loving other people. It really made me think, and I hope that if you take the time to read it, that it'll make you think, too.
http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/whole-life/loving-hard
Well, I think that might be it for me guys. It's been quite difficult lately, truly, but even in all of the chaos and mess and brokenness there is love, and light, and hope, and grace. There is so much in this life that I take for granted, and I'm realizing this more and more lately.
Are you taking things for granted? Do you even realize it?
What about time...are you making the most of it?
Don't forget that you can take time for granted, too. And it is not something that is in our control. So like life, love, and everything else - it's up to us to make the most of it, and ask God constantly what He wants us to do, each and every day.
It's in Your hands, Lord. All of it, and all of me.
Thank-you for this life.
And everything.
Amen.
Goodnight all;
Good thoughts, and God Bless :)
Monday, 3 June 2013
Blessings, and Ramblings. . . .and a Grateful Heart.
I've realized recently the many blessings I am being showered with that I tend not to appreciate, or possibly take for granted.
It made me realize how many things in life are overlooked, undervalued, and simply just always assumed to be there.
There's one more thing that goes along with this, really...not realizing when what you've been asking for has actually been given to you.
So much has been going on lately that it's difficult to see straight. Right now, I'm studying for get another exam, and it's much less than promising.
But beyond all the junk in my backyard (so to speak), there is so much good, and so much light.
Yes, I have to take this ridiculous discipline and I don't understand any of it (really - it could be taught in German, and I'd probably get just as much...maybe more), but how many people don't have this opportunity of being able to go to away to school, school through the summer, or even go to school at all?
This is just one train of thought that has countered some of the others, and made me realize how absolutely blessed I am, even though it may seem like I'm sifting through a deserted wasteland.
That's another thing - whatever this is, it isn't deserted. Receiving is something that I don't do all that well...okay, I don't do it well at all. I'd like to, but when I'm confronted with these things I thought I'd never get but only hoped for, I can't accept them.
Asking God for something is a tricky business, because what you ask for comes as what you need but not necessarily what you want. And furthermore, what I'm finding out now is that sometimes, you can't really handle it. Or at least, another lesson and message is tied up inside it. Not to say that that's a bad thing - not at all - but it's surely frustrating at times.
That, however, brings me back to "whatever this is" not being "deserted".
Blessings come in any and every form you can think of - people, being one of them. And those people - those blessings - they are constant reminders and assurance that you are not alone. They are reminders - whether you want them or not - of just about everything, and they carry with them different messages.
Although this has been something that has made this year extremely difficult, I also don't know what I would have done without them - which, let's face it, is a very scary thought. We are never alone; He is always with us. Therefore, we are never deserted. However, it can be very easy in times of difficulty to listen to the Devil at your shoulder, feeding your brain with every lie he has to offer, and all the problems he's hoping will bring you flat on your face. But our God knows, and He is much bigger than that. He knows we need something tangible to remind us that we are not alone - words that we can hear, eyes that we can see, and hands that we can hold. That, in itself, is a blessing.
I'm sorry, this might seem like a random blabbering post, but it's just some thoughts fishing around in my mind... some reminders, and some ponderings...
I don't know much, and that might be the only thing I do know. However, I do know this:
We are never alone, and we are always blessed.
It made me realize how many things in life are overlooked, undervalued, and simply just always assumed to be there.
There's one more thing that goes along with this, really...not realizing when what you've been asking for has actually been given to you.
So much has been going on lately that it's difficult to see straight. Right now, I'm studying for get another exam, and it's much less than promising.
But beyond all the junk in my backyard (so to speak), there is so much good, and so much light.
Yes, I have to take this ridiculous discipline and I don't understand any of it (really - it could be taught in German, and I'd probably get just as much...maybe more), but how many people don't have this opportunity of being able to go to away to school, school through the summer, or even go to school at all?
This is just one train of thought that has countered some of the others, and made me realize how absolutely blessed I am, even though it may seem like I'm sifting through a deserted wasteland.
That's another thing - whatever this is, it isn't deserted. Receiving is something that I don't do all that well...okay, I don't do it well at all. I'd like to, but when I'm confronted with these things I thought I'd never get but only hoped for, I can't accept them.
Asking God for something is a tricky business, because what you ask for comes as what you need but not necessarily what you want. And furthermore, what I'm finding out now is that sometimes, you can't really handle it. Or at least, another lesson and message is tied up inside it. Not to say that that's a bad thing - not at all - but it's surely frustrating at times.
That, however, brings me back to "whatever this is" not being "deserted".
Blessings come in any and every form you can think of - people, being one of them. And those people - those blessings - they are constant reminders and assurance that you are not alone. They are reminders - whether you want them or not - of just about everything, and they carry with them different messages.
Although this has been something that has made this year extremely difficult, I also don't know what I would have done without them - which, let's face it, is a very scary thought. We are never alone; He is always with us. Therefore, we are never deserted. However, it can be very easy in times of difficulty to listen to the Devil at your shoulder, feeding your brain with every lie he has to offer, and all the problems he's hoping will bring you flat on your face. But our God knows, and He is much bigger than that. He knows we need something tangible to remind us that we are not alone - words that we can hear, eyes that we can see, and hands that we can hold. That, in itself, is a blessing.
I'm sorry, this might seem like a random blabbering post, but it's just some thoughts fishing around in my mind... some reminders, and some ponderings...
I don't know much, and that might be the only thing I do know. However, I do know this:
We are never alone, and we are always blessed.
Monday, 15 April 2013
Song Connection
Feeling brokenBarely holding onBut just there's something so strongSomewhere inside me.And I am down, but I'll get up again.Don't count me out just yet
I've been brought down to my kneesAnd I've been pushed way past the point of breaking,But I can take it.I'll be back -Back on my feetThis is far from overYou haven't seen the last of me.You haven't seen the last of me.
They canSay thatI won't stay aroundBut I'm gonna stand my groundYou're not gonna stop me.You don't know me, you don't know who I am.Don't count me out so fast
I've been brought down to my kneesAnd I've been pushed way past the point of breaking,But I can take it.I'll be back -Back on my feetThis is far from overYou haven't seen the last of me.
There will be no fade-outThis is not the endI'm down nowBut I'll be standing tall again.Times are hard butI was built tough.I'm gonna show you all what I'm made of.
I've been brought down to my kneesI've been pushed way past the point of breaking,But I can take it.I'll be back -Back on my feetThis is far from over
I AM FAR FROM OVER
You haven't seen the last of me.
No, no, I'm not going nowhereI'm staying right hereOh, no you won't see me fade outI'm not taking my bowCan't stop me.Its not the endYou haven't seen the last of meOh, no -You haven't seen the last of me.You haven't seen the last of me.
I don't know how many of you have heard this song before or not (it's called "You Haven't Seen the Last of Me"), but I was reminded of it yesterday and it seemed to touch me in a way it never did before. When I first saw "Burlesque" I absolutely loved this song, but it appears to have hit me in a different context as of late. I've been struggling with so many things lately, and have found it so difficult to stay motivated and strong, and yet at the same time, I have kept knowing that I have to. I posted the lyrics above because they pretty much say it all. It's one of those songs that doesn't need much explanation to be understood - that's one of the reasons it's so powerful.
It's also served as a reminder to me, though, that the reason I can keep going is because of God. "I was built tough" not so much, but my God keeps be going. He is tough, He is the ultimate, He is the strength that gets each and every one of us through the day. I know I wouldn't be upright right now if it wasn't for Him. I'd be curled up in a ball with no way out. There's always a way out - He is that way.It's true that "[y]ou don't know me, you don't know who I am", but God does. And that's true for each and every one of us. He knows all our faults, our sins, and our failures. Yet we are loved eternally anyways. We are broken, and sinful, and "[b]arely holding on", and yet, we are loved anyways. We are chosen, and wanted and loved. We are valued and cherished. Through His amazing grace we get everything we don't deserve. We are given everything we need. We are given everything. I honestly can't understand how a love like that exists. Yet, I know it does. I know it does, and that He is the only one able to love us that way.
I really never will get used to that. It's just so amazing. He is amazing.
(P.S. For anyone who hasn't heard the song, you should definitely give it a listen. Here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SlgkIvLx2v4.)
I've been brought down to my kneesAnd I've been pushed way past the point of breaking,But I can take it.I'll be back -Back on my feetThis is far from overYou haven't seen the last of me.You haven't seen the last of me.
They canSay thatI won't stay aroundBut I'm gonna stand my groundYou're not gonna stop me.You don't know me, you don't know who I am.Don't count me out so fast
I've been brought down to my kneesAnd I've been pushed way past the point of breaking,But I can take it.I'll be back -Back on my feetThis is far from overYou haven't seen the last of me.
There will be no fade-outThis is not the endI'm down nowBut I'll be standing tall again.Times are hard butI was built tough.I'm gonna show you all what I'm made of.
I've been brought down to my kneesI've been pushed way past the point of breaking,But I can take it.I'll be back -Back on my feetThis is far from over
I AM FAR FROM OVER
You haven't seen the last of me.
No, no, I'm not going nowhereI'm staying right hereOh, no you won't see me fade outI'm not taking my bowCan't stop me.Its not the endYou haven't seen the last of meOh, no -You haven't seen the last of me.You haven't seen the last of me.
I don't know how many of you have heard this song before or not (it's called "You Haven't Seen the Last of Me"), but I was reminded of it yesterday and it seemed to touch me in a way it never did before. When I first saw "Burlesque" I absolutely loved this song, but it appears to have hit me in a different context as of late. I've been struggling with so many things lately, and have found it so difficult to stay motivated and strong, and yet at the same time, I have kept knowing that I have to. I posted the lyrics above because they pretty much say it all. It's one of those songs that doesn't need much explanation to be understood - that's one of the reasons it's so powerful.
It's also served as a reminder to me, though, that the reason I can keep going is because of God. "I was built tough" not so much, but my God keeps be going. He is tough, He is the ultimate, He is the strength that gets each and every one of us through the day. I know I wouldn't be upright right now if it wasn't for Him. I'd be curled up in a ball with no way out. There's always a way out - He is that way.It's true that "[y]ou don't know me, you don't know who I am", but God does. And that's true for each and every one of us. He knows all our faults, our sins, and our failures. Yet we are loved eternally anyways. We are broken, and sinful, and "[b]arely holding on", and yet, we are loved anyways. We are chosen, and wanted and loved. We are valued and cherished. Through His amazing grace we get everything we don't deserve. We are given everything we need. We are given everything. I honestly can't understand how a love like that exists. Yet, I know it does. I know it does, and that He is the only one able to love us that way.
I really never will get used to that. It's just so amazing. He is amazing.
(P.S. For anyone who hasn't heard the song, you should definitely give it a listen. Here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SlgkIvLx2v4.)
Wednesday, 20 March 2013
My God is an awesome God
Today has turned out to be just the most wonderful day!
This morning I volunteered at the inner city ministry I'm sure I've mentioned before, and this evening was mid-week Lenten service (the last in the series). Thos events just always make my Wednesdays to begin with, but today has just been something else. This morning the lady I went with to volunteering gave me an insight on something I hadn't really seen before, which turned out to be quite helpful. Throughout the day and trying to work on my essay, I had some great conversations with the chaplain while I was working on my paper in the Chaplaincy Centre. Something I was working toward doesn't seem like it's going to happen, now, but it appears that in its place I might be able to end up with two bachelor's degrees (plus my certification after my internship). There still some things to be discussed about that, but it appears very possible and like it may actually happen, which is pretty sweet. Chapel this morning was wonderful, and today everything just seemed to speak to me in different ways. God is working, my friends. This is all Him.
Did you know that today is International Happiness Day? I had no idea - but during one of my classes this afternoon, one of the ladies mentioned it, after we were all giggling and causing chaos in our distance ed class. (When I say "all", I mean the five of us...ahah)
So all of this eventually led to me meeting with the faculty adviser with whom I've been working for a certificate, and after discussing a bunch of things, it appears this whole second degree thing might be happening now instead of the certificate. Now while the certificate is more centralized to the area in which I am most interesting and hoping to have some involvement with eventually, I am two classes short of fulfilling the major requirements for this 3-year degree, minus core and a minor while we be fulfilled by my current major requirements (which are actually greater than this one). So it's a little jumbled right now, but it's all pretty exciting. It means meeting with more advisers in the registration department, and trying to get everyone on the same page, but so long as it won't jeopardize the programme I am in now, which is my passion and calling - and my primary concern, of course - I'm all for this. Two more classes for another degree? Count me in. At least, I really hope this works the way it appears it should, but, when dealing with the registration people and the two programmes I am working with, you never know.
So that was all some amazing goodness that went on today. However, to top everything all off, the lady I was with this morning for volunteering I was also with tonight for church, and we had just this wonderful conversation about music in context of the church, worship, and contemporary versus hymns. It was just so perfectly timed, too, because this is a topic that not only have I been passionate about for quite some time now this year, but that has also been at the forefront of things this week, in particular, with a paper I am writing for one of my classes. Today, especially, it was at the top because I was writing on that subject earlier today, and contemporary versus traditional was a big topic not just in terms of worship music, but style and other things, as well.
So that was another wonderful addition to my day.
And then, when I got back to my house, there was an e-mail I have been waiting on since the 14th in my inbox, and that was something funny, too, because we had talked about it in the car on the way back. The lady who I was talking with had told me about this opportunity to volunteer with a youth gathering that is happening this summer, and she was pretty passionate about it, as she has volunteered at it the last three times it has happened. She can't this time around because she has a camp counselor position that overlaps with the gathering, but she encouraged me to look into it (I think I may have mentioned this before). Anyways, I wanted to make sure that everything would be okay if I applied, because I am a communicant member of a sister Synod, and the e-mail included approval for that and the other question I had asked, which was absolutely wonderful. So now I just need to get my reference and paperwork in order, and they'll place me somewhere, is what I was told. So I'm quite excited about that. It isn't local, so I have to pay to fly there and back, plus registration costs, taxi, etc. So I have no idea how I'm going to pay for that, actually, but I know that it will happen. It sounds like an amazing experience and opportunity, and I am just so glad that it appears I will be able to be apart of it.
Oh, I almost forgot! The faculty member I spoke with today has agreed to be one of the references for my programme interview, which is so wonderful of her, and according to her they are still looking for counselors for a vocal camp they run for a week at the end of the summer, which is a paid position and appears it will be quite a few hours, as well. Now while I doubt that pay will be amazing, it's money, and it's something I would so much rather be doing than the job I have currently (and will continue to have). Plus, it's a great opportunity for experience, and incorporates music with working with youth, and it's a vocal thing, which is even more specialized. So she told me who to talk to about that, and hopefully I will end up getting a position with that vocal camp opportunity.
Everything just seems to be falling into place, even though it feels like the pieces are upside-down and backwards most of the time.
Oh, and I got to meet this wonderful gentleman today from South Africa, who is on an exchange with a choir in the city, and he may end up coming to the school as an exchange student in the music programme next year. He is a percussionist as well as a chorister, but would be studying choir and vocal performance if he comes here next year. He was such a joy to get to talk with, and (time for some vocal swooning) he was telling about how he was just moved from the Alto section to the Tenor section. Now, if you're not a music nerd you might not get that, but that means he has a high voice, and male voices are amazing to begin with, but specially high or specially low male voices are just the bees knees (I know, way out of date, but I am too blissed-out to care lol).
There were some crummy parts to today, too, but even they had bright sides.
I'm in for another (virtually) all-nighter again tonight, which is rather sucky - especially considering I'm running on one hour of sleep right now - but such is life. One paper due at midnight, then another one to write which is due Friday, but I have to have it done my tomorrow afternoon before I go to work, because I won't have time after that before it's due. The shave is Friday morning, so I'll be super busy with that, and then the research essay gets handed in at 1pm, then after my classes are done, my night off commences!
Now, I can't forget that I have an assignment due Friday by midnight, so I have to make sure that gets done before Friday, as well.
So that puts quite a few things on my to-do list that need to be accomplished before the school/work week is out, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel, folks!
Now that starts me on another topic altogether, but I think I'll save that for another time... I do have the midnight paper to finish, which is now in desperate need of speed.
I just feel so, incredibly blessed today. I have been feeling a lot of that lately, and I am just so grateful. This place is insane, but it is just the most amazing place. It may not be an easy year, but it is definitely worth it. All of it is just so worth it.
Oh and get this: on top of this wonderful day, THEY'RE CALLING FOR A SNOW STORM!!!
Now if that isn't the greatest Friday present, and exactly what I have been hoping for, then I don't know what is!
Apparently I'm in a sharing mood tonight, but I do need to pop off now.
This Lord has blessed me with so many wonderful things, and so many amazing people. And even though I don't deserve any of it, I am just so grateful.
Blessing to all! <3
Goodnight! :)
This morning I volunteered at the inner city ministry I'm sure I've mentioned before, and this evening was mid-week Lenten service (the last in the series). Thos events just always make my Wednesdays to begin with, but today has just been something else. This morning the lady I went with to volunteering gave me an insight on something I hadn't really seen before, which turned out to be quite helpful. Throughout the day and trying to work on my essay, I had some great conversations with the chaplain while I was working on my paper in the Chaplaincy Centre. Something I was working toward doesn't seem like it's going to happen, now, but it appears that in its place I might be able to end up with two bachelor's degrees (plus my certification after my internship). There still some things to be discussed about that, but it appears very possible and like it may actually happen, which is pretty sweet. Chapel this morning was wonderful, and today everything just seemed to speak to me in different ways. God is working, my friends. This is all Him.
Did you know that today is International Happiness Day? I had no idea - but during one of my classes this afternoon, one of the ladies mentioned it, after we were all giggling and causing chaos in our distance ed class. (When I say "all", I mean the five of us...ahah)
So all of this eventually led to me meeting with the faculty adviser with whom I've been working for a certificate, and after discussing a bunch of things, it appears this whole second degree thing might be happening now instead of the certificate. Now while the certificate is more centralized to the area in which I am most interesting and hoping to have some involvement with eventually, I am two classes short of fulfilling the major requirements for this 3-year degree, minus core and a minor while we be fulfilled by my current major requirements (which are actually greater than this one). So it's a little jumbled right now, but it's all pretty exciting. It means meeting with more advisers in the registration department, and trying to get everyone on the same page, but so long as it won't jeopardize the programme I am in now, which is my passion and calling - and my primary concern, of course - I'm all for this. Two more classes for another degree? Count me in. At least, I really hope this works the way it appears it should, but, when dealing with the registration people and the two programmes I am working with, you never know.
So that was all some amazing goodness that went on today. However, to top everything all off, the lady I was with this morning for volunteering I was also with tonight for church, and we had just this wonderful conversation about music in context of the church, worship, and contemporary versus hymns. It was just so perfectly timed, too, because this is a topic that not only have I been passionate about for quite some time now this year, but that has also been at the forefront of things this week, in particular, with a paper I am writing for one of my classes. Today, especially, it was at the top because I was writing on that subject earlier today, and contemporary versus traditional was a big topic not just in terms of worship music, but style and other things, as well.
So that was another wonderful addition to my day.
And then, when I got back to my house, there was an e-mail I have been waiting on since the 14th in my inbox, and that was something funny, too, because we had talked about it in the car on the way back. The lady who I was talking with had told me about this opportunity to volunteer with a youth gathering that is happening this summer, and she was pretty passionate about it, as she has volunteered at it the last three times it has happened. She can't this time around because she has a camp counselor position that overlaps with the gathering, but she encouraged me to look into it (I think I may have mentioned this before). Anyways, I wanted to make sure that everything would be okay if I applied, because I am a communicant member of a sister Synod, and the e-mail included approval for that and the other question I had asked, which was absolutely wonderful. So now I just need to get my reference and paperwork in order, and they'll place me somewhere, is what I was told. So I'm quite excited about that. It isn't local, so I have to pay to fly there and back, plus registration costs, taxi, etc. So I have no idea how I'm going to pay for that, actually, but I know that it will happen. It sounds like an amazing experience and opportunity, and I am just so glad that it appears I will be able to be apart of it.
Oh, I almost forgot! The faculty member I spoke with today has agreed to be one of the references for my programme interview, which is so wonderful of her, and according to her they are still looking for counselors for a vocal camp they run for a week at the end of the summer, which is a paid position and appears it will be quite a few hours, as well. Now while I doubt that pay will be amazing, it's money, and it's something I would so much rather be doing than the job I have currently (and will continue to have). Plus, it's a great opportunity for experience, and incorporates music with working with youth, and it's a vocal thing, which is even more specialized. So she told me who to talk to about that, and hopefully I will end up getting a position with that vocal camp opportunity.
Everything just seems to be falling into place, even though it feels like the pieces are upside-down and backwards most of the time.
Oh, and I got to meet this wonderful gentleman today from South Africa, who is on an exchange with a choir in the city, and he may end up coming to the school as an exchange student in the music programme next year. He is a percussionist as well as a chorister, but would be studying choir and vocal performance if he comes here next year. He was such a joy to get to talk with, and (time for some vocal swooning) he was telling about how he was just moved from the Alto section to the Tenor section. Now, if you're not a music nerd you might not get that, but that means he has a high voice, and male voices are amazing to begin with, but specially high or specially low male voices are just the bees knees (I know, way out of date, but I am too blissed-out to care lol).
There were some crummy parts to today, too, but even they had bright sides.
I'm in for another (virtually) all-nighter again tonight, which is rather sucky - especially considering I'm running on one hour of sleep right now - but such is life. One paper due at midnight, then another one to write which is due Friday, but I have to have it done my tomorrow afternoon before I go to work, because I won't have time after that before it's due. The shave is Friday morning, so I'll be super busy with that, and then the research essay gets handed in at 1pm, then after my classes are done, my night off commences!
Now, I can't forget that I have an assignment due Friday by midnight, so I have to make sure that gets done before Friday, as well.
So that puts quite a few things on my to-do list that need to be accomplished before the school/work week is out, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel, folks!
Now that starts me on another topic altogether, but I think I'll save that for another time... I do have the midnight paper to finish, which is now in desperate need of speed.
I just feel so, incredibly blessed today. I have been feeling a lot of that lately, and I am just so grateful. This place is insane, but it is just the most amazing place. It may not be an easy year, but it is definitely worth it. All of it is just so worth it.
Oh and get this: on top of this wonderful day, THEY'RE CALLING FOR A SNOW STORM!!!
Now if that isn't the greatest Friday present, and exactly what I have been hoping for, then I don't know what is!
Apparently I'm in a sharing mood tonight, but I do need to pop off now.
This Lord has blessed me with so many wonderful things, and so many amazing people. And even though I don't deserve any of it, I am just so grateful.
Blessing to all! <3
Goodnight! :)
But who am I, really...
So much change is happening...again. All the time, really.
It's crazy how far I'm being pushed to my limits here. This "growth" things is ridiculous. A lot of the time I absolutely hate it, but then, at the same time, I absolutely love it. It's so much more than I can handle; than I want, or can even see ahead of me. It is so challenging because everything I have ever known if being confronted, and most of the time the message is "you're wrong". My outlook on people is changing, little by little, by seeing and experiencing all the different people here. The cultures are so different - geographic, worship, you name it - and it's so incredibly frustrating sometimes, because that "NO MORE" limit screams so often, and yet, somehow, more always comes. And I always learn something from it. Albeit might be a delayed recognition or understanding, but it comes...eventually.
Something I've learned that has been a hard lesson to not only recognize, but deal with, is that I have always played a role. Always. I have always conformed to whatever the situation called for or needed. And it has cost me. I was always unhappy in the end, because at a certain point I would begin to realize what exactly was happening. So I made the decision that - no matter what - I was going to be me. Except, that was a harder thing than I ever thought, because, as I've come to find out, I have no idea how to be me. It's not even as simple as an "I don't know who I am" thing, or an "I'm trying to find/finding myself" thing. I mean, sure, those things are definitely components and are happening all the time, but that's not the centre of it at all. It's that even when I do "find myself" in different ways (so to speak), I don't know how to go about doing - or being. Now I know that sounds really stupid - "if you know, how does it not work" - but it's true. And because of that, other challenges are getting in the way. Such has physical manifestations of nervousness and fear that have never in my life been this bad. It's so frustrating - infuriating, really - but it has made me realize that I don't know how not to be playing a role. That makes it sound like I'm a really fake person, and really, I'm not - at least, I don't consider myself to be.
This place - it's crazy. It's maddening and frustrating; infuriating and terrifying; overwhelming and overbearing, and far beyond anything I'm capable of handling. And yet, it is so incredibly wonderful. And somehow, I keep "handling" it. However, what I'm finding out is that my way isn't the right - or the best - way. But you know, I'm not alone. The reason why I'm even able to find any of this out in the first place is all because of the eternal Father. Honestly, I'm getting this feeling lately that He is doing everything, and I am just His helpless puppet. And while in some ways that is so, incredibly comforting - and I will be His "puppet" for the rest of my life - it poses the question for me, however, as to why He wouldn't want His puppet to be a better reflection of His amazing grace and perfect love than anything I am. I'm still trying to figure out the answer to that one, but I've received some advice on different things that are connecting to this and starting to bring some realizations to light.
All I really know is that He is doing all of the work. I ask "please Lord, fill my cup. Fill it with what you want me to give today. Fill it, because without what You give me, I have nothing to give." This was something someone told me about way back in the year, and you know... it's amazing. He does everything - with Him, I have absolutely nothing. And when I forget to ask; when that last thought drops out of the front of my mind's eye for even a second - that's when I find myself floundering most. Go figure, right?
He does it all, and I am gladly His helpless puppet; waiting for Him to pull on the strings and show me what I need to learn/see/know (you name it) next.
I am frustrated, confused, frightened, terrified, and overwhelmingly overjoyed - all at once. And so many more things that I can't even describe. I am so far gone that I don't know anything at all.
But then I remember: I don't have to. He will show me everything - in His time.
"I know nothing, Lord, but that I am here, wanting and willing to serve you." It's so simple, but at the same time...not simple at all.
Well, I'm off to class - if you can make any sense of any of that, I commend you.
God Bless!
It's crazy how far I'm being pushed to my limits here. This "growth" things is ridiculous. A lot of the time I absolutely hate it, but then, at the same time, I absolutely love it. It's so much more than I can handle; than I want, or can even see ahead of me. It is so challenging because everything I have ever known if being confronted, and most of the time the message is "you're wrong". My outlook on people is changing, little by little, by seeing and experiencing all the different people here. The cultures are so different - geographic, worship, you name it - and it's so incredibly frustrating sometimes, because that "NO MORE" limit screams so often, and yet, somehow, more always comes. And I always learn something from it. Albeit might be a delayed recognition or understanding, but it comes...eventually.
Something I've learned that has been a hard lesson to not only recognize, but deal with, is that I have always played a role. Always. I have always conformed to whatever the situation called for or needed. And it has cost me. I was always unhappy in the end, because at a certain point I would begin to realize what exactly was happening. So I made the decision that - no matter what - I was going to be me. Except, that was a harder thing than I ever thought, because, as I've come to find out, I have no idea how to be me. It's not even as simple as an "I don't know who I am" thing, or an "I'm trying to find/finding myself" thing. I mean, sure, those things are definitely components and are happening all the time, but that's not the centre of it at all. It's that even when I do "find myself" in different ways (so to speak), I don't know how to go about doing - or being. Now I know that sounds really stupid - "if you know, how does it not work" - but it's true. And because of that, other challenges are getting in the way. Such has physical manifestations of nervousness and fear that have never in my life been this bad. It's so frustrating - infuriating, really - but it has made me realize that I don't know how not to be playing a role. That makes it sound like I'm a really fake person, and really, I'm not - at least, I don't consider myself to be.
This place - it's crazy. It's maddening and frustrating; infuriating and terrifying; overwhelming and overbearing, and far beyond anything I'm capable of handling. And yet, it is so incredibly wonderful. And somehow, I keep "handling" it. However, what I'm finding out is that my way isn't the right - or the best - way. But you know, I'm not alone. The reason why I'm even able to find any of this out in the first place is all because of the eternal Father. Honestly, I'm getting this feeling lately that He is doing everything, and I am just His helpless puppet. And while in some ways that is so, incredibly comforting - and I will be His "puppet" for the rest of my life - it poses the question for me, however, as to why He wouldn't want His puppet to be a better reflection of His amazing grace and perfect love than anything I am. I'm still trying to figure out the answer to that one, but I've received some advice on different things that are connecting to this and starting to bring some realizations to light.
All I really know is that He is doing all of the work. I ask "please Lord, fill my cup. Fill it with what you want me to give today. Fill it, because without what You give me, I have nothing to give." This was something someone told me about way back in the year, and you know... it's amazing. He does everything - with Him, I have absolutely nothing. And when I forget to ask; when that last thought drops out of the front of my mind's eye for even a second - that's when I find myself floundering most. Go figure, right?
He does it all, and I am gladly His helpless puppet; waiting for Him to pull on the strings and show me what I need to learn/see/know (you name it) next.
I am frustrated, confused, frightened, terrified, and overwhelmingly overjoyed - all at once. And so many more things that I can't even describe. I am so far gone that I don't know anything at all.
But then I remember: I don't have to. He will show me everything - in His time.
"I know nothing, Lord, but that I am here, wanting and willing to serve you." It's so simple, but at the same time...not simple at all.
Well, I'm off to class - if you can make any sense of any of that, I commend you.
God Bless!
Monday, 18 March 2013
Love so amazing
When I was responding to an e-mail a few minutes ago, I started filling in a friend of mine on some of the things I have been doing this semester. And as I did, I realized all of the things I have actually been doing, and the things I do every week. I know I have been told that I took on too much, and I did have to let some things go this term, but what I had and do have is not the point. The point, I realized, was the wonderful opportunity I have been given to be able to do these things. To be exposed to such wonderful opportunities - ministries, communities, etc. We have a wonderful Christian community here at my school, and a great connection to it is our Chapel-going community. It's so amazing to be able to worship every morning during the week, and to be a member on one of the Praise teams that takes turns performing for the special services on Fridays. I think after having been exposed to this for some months now I may have started to take it for granted, and it shouldn't be. This term especially with some of the things happening around the subject of Chapel have really gotten my fired up, and I am so protective of that time. It's booked away, and if I have to miss it for some reason, I'm usually not a happy camper. And when I do miss it, there is usually some part of me that feels off for the day. It's so much a part of me, and while that makes me vulnerable in a way, it's also so incredible. Being able to travel with a team to bring Christ's love to others this term was such a life-changing experience as well. There was a lot of prep-work involved, and I wasn't even a leader - I can only imagine the stress they were under. But it all worked out by the Grace of God, and it was amazing. Absolutely beyond words. It was in so many ways nothing I expected, but everything I needed. Our director mentioned in one of the meetings that last time he went His intent was to be a blessing to others through the sharing of God's love, but that he felt others ended up blessing him, instead. I thought it touching, but wasn't exactly sure what he meant. I do now. I cannot wait to go on another trip next year - you'll probably still hear me talk about it until then, too. Discovering different congregations up here has been such a blessing to me, also. To see how they worship - it's been something I've talked about quite a bit now. Worship up here is different than what I'm used to. Even the more traditional churches have many differences, such as what they wear, how they act, etc. The first time I went to church up here I was absolutely blown out of my mind. Everything was different. The people, the community, the music, the service format, the building style - you name it; it was different. It was so far beyond my comfort zone that I thought I might explode on the spot. I didn't like how they had next to no traditional music, and it was overwhelming how many people wanted to say hello and see who I was, where I was from, where I went to school, etc. I went to that church twice, with some time in-between, and then ended up trying a different church with someone who went to the previous one. We both loved traditional service, both lived in dorm, and gave it a shot - we loved it. We stayed there, and eventually through the experience became friends. As the term progressed, I changed, and after I came back from Christmas break I found I was missing the new church I had begun to fall in love with. My friend loved it there, too, so we'd go back occasionally, but now that is the church I attend the majority of the time. I still love the other church as well, and in many ways I feel torn in two, because both communities are made up of beautiful, Christian people, and they are such a joy to be around. But there is something that has him unable to leave the one church, and myself, the other. It's a little sad, because going to church without your "church buddy" is sad, I'll admit. But the point here was that seeing the different ways people worship has broadened my understanding so greatly, and that is something I will continue to be grateful for daily. The community at the more...contemporary church pushes my limits quite a bit (I'm quite the "awkward turtle" or social introvert), but I always end up gaining something and growing in some way - even if it takes me a while to realize it. Maybe that's one of the reasons I'm finding it hard to leave now. I have so many stories I could share with regards to this, but I'm sure you're tired of hearing about this at this point.
One thing I was introduced to this year was serving at a church where an inner city ministry holds a programme for the homeless. It's been an incredible experience, and I tell anyone and everyone I can about it. We get up before dawn and leave just before six to go serve breakfast to the homeless, and it is the best part of my week. I'm the kind of person who hates waking up - no matter how long I'm sleeping, unless I'm waking up alarmless, on my own, good luck getting me out of bed. Sometimes my alarm and I fight to the death, but in the end, it's so worth it. If you ever have the opportunity to serve with a ministry like this, do it. Don't let early hours stand in your way. Even though I hate waking up, it really makes me appreciate mornings. And others.
Others...that brings me to another point. This may be a very small academic community, but there are so many different types of people here. So many personalities, and opinions, and denominations, and learning opportunities. There are so many beautiful individuals that I've gotten to meet, and I've been realizing at different points how they have touched me an affected my life this year. I've gotten to experience so many different people, and have learned so much from them.
I could take forever, as I'm sure you can tell by now, but I do have to get back to the papers I have been procrastinating. I just thought I'd share some reflecting I was doing after the my e-mail to my friend.
Sometimes when I'm struggling and missing the friends I made from my previous school - when we're so busy we don't have time to talk, when I have no idea what's going on with them, when I find out something extraneously - and when I just wish we could meet up in our busy lives for lunch, or a tea, or even just to study, I begin to wonder about the decisions I've made. I know in my heart this was the best thing I could have done, but sometimes I still wonder. But then, I have these moments when God makes so clear all of the blessings He's showered on me, and even though I feel so many different things - including strange and estranged - I feel this sense of peace. This sense of...home, in a way. It's a strange way to view home, but I think, nonetheless, it just might be.
So thankful!
I'm out, y'all; God Bless! <3
One thing I was introduced to this year was serving at a church where an inner city ministry holds a programme for the homeless. It's been an incredible experience, and I tell anyone and everyone I can about it. We get up before dawn and leave just before six to go serve breakfast to the homeless, and it is the best part of my week. I'm the kind of person who hates waking up - no matter how long I'm sleeping, unless I'm waking up alarmless, on my own, good luck getting me out of bed. Sometimes my alarm and I fight to the death, but in the end, it's so worth it. If you ever have the opportunity to serve with a ministry like this, do it. Don't let early hours stand in your way. Even though I hate waking up, it really makes me appreciate mornings. And others.
Others...that brings me to another point. This may be a very small academic community, but there are so many different types of people here. So many personalities, and opinions, and denominations, and learning opportunities. There are so many beautiful individuals that I've gotten to meet, and I've been realizing at different points how they have touched me an affected my life this year. I've gotten to experience so many different people, and have learned so much from them.
I could take forever, as I'm sure you can tell by now, but I do have to get back to the papers I have been procrastinating. I just thought I'd share some reflecting I was doing after the my e-mail to my friend.
Sometimes when I'm struggling and missing the friends I made from my previous school - when we're so busy we don't have time to talk, when I have no idea what's going on with them, when I find out something extraneously - and when I just wish we could meet up in our busy lives for lunch, or a tea, or even just to study, I begin to wonder about the decisions I've made. I know in my heart this was the best thing I could have done, but sometimes I still wonder. But then, I have these moments when God makes so clear all of the blessings He's showered on me, and even though I feel so many different things - including strange and estranged - I feel this sense of peace. This sense of...home, in a way. It's a strange way to view home, but I think, nonetheless, it just might be.
So thankful!
I'm out, y'all; God Bless! <3
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