Almost There

So close.

And yet, focus is not present at all.

Unfinished work was handed in, and I was much less bothered than I should have been - or than would be normal for me.

I think about what next summer holds and I wonder how I'm going to make it work... I honestly have no idea - I only know I have to.  I have to make it work, because not only am I so close to my current class being over, but I am so close to being able to graduate according to a schedule.  So close to being able to know that's I'm going to actually get to not only graduate, but walk across that stage, and be a little bit selfish for one day - my day - and be able to say "I did it."

I've been thinking about that alot lately, actually...graduation.  It was always just graduating and earning the degree that was important, not the stage.  Not the actual act of walking across it and being able to know I accomplished something - the degree said that, there's no need to show it off.  Except, I find myself more and more wanting to walk across that stage, and have my day, and take the crazy grad photos, walk the processional and recessional, and shake hands with whomever is on the stage handing me the rolled up piece of paper that simulates the degree I will receive.  It all seems so romanticized in my head, but I want it.  There's still something inside of me that says that's wrong, but somehow it doesn't stop me from wanting it.

I was supposed to be graduating this year, and that isn't going to happen, but I'm honestly okay with it - considering all that's happened, and that it has led to me being the happiest I have been in a long time...I'm really okay with it.  But I don't have it in me to do three more regular sessions, and one - maybe two - classes preventing me from stepping across that stage is driving me mad.  Yes, there's no guarantee that I'll come out of this giant plan alive, but I have to try.  Yes, I could do them the spring/summer before my internship and then walk the stage a year later, after my internship is finished, but really what's the point in that?  If I have to, I will, but it's not something I'm crazy about.

I get like that sometimes...headstrong on something to the point where nothing's going to stop me.  Or at least, if it does, I won't acknowledge it until I've been shredded to pieces and acknowledging it is the only possible option anymore.  That's kind of the problem, apparently.

Well anyways - off topic (as usual ahah).

I think I'm more than ready for a break from classes, but I do wonder what's going to happen next summer when I'm not going to have one, and I'm going to be overloading for most (if not all) of the summer.
Well, that'll come in time, I guess.  I still need to check to make sure of what I need being offered, and where, so if I have to I'll try and beg to get some things swapped around ahah  The way courses are offered is like 95% of the problem ahah
I know though, that what is in God's plan will happen, and if it isn't, then it isn't for a reason.
And as was pointed out to me this year...wouldn't it suck if I made it to the church and was too burned out to do anything.

I hated that advice when I got it.  Mostly because the concept of "burn-out" was foreign to me, and the idea of ever burning out...well it doesn't exist for me.  But once I got past that I realized how real that statement is.  And how destructive we can be to ourselves; how destructive I can be to myself.

It's kind of ironic, really...working to the point of destruction so that I can help others, only to not be able to because I ripped myself apart along the way...

Okay, off topic again.
Sorry.

My mind really tends to go crazy places when I'm procrastinating studying.

I actually saw something on Tumblr tonight that showed a picture of tangled up headphones, with text that said something along the lines of "I have thoughts that are more tangled up than my headphones."
But really, how true is that of thoughts and life?  I mean, I know it is for me...  I would say "maybe I'm the only one", but seeing as someone else thought of it to put it online, I'm clearly not.  That's one thing that can be comforting about the internet...it proves you aren't the only crazy person.  Even when it feels like it. :P

Well, I've stumbled across some new music tonight.  Here's one of the songs I found - pretty cool man.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TNISUqpzroE&list=PLAJOxab0My6Zn5Ani3f-6z8c7R6nImXII

I should probably at least dry-read through the other two chapters of slides, seeing as I only made it through one (smaller of the chapters) in like five hours tonight...

Almost there guys... Exam at 9, and then a break from classes for almost a month!
...Thank I might be a little bit excited? ahah
Not to mention - this will put me half way through my science requirements!  Only three more credits to go for science, woo!

Alright all, I'm off.
Have a wonderful day everyone, and I hope you're all sleeping marvelously and peacefully.

Peace, love, and blessings :)