But who am I, really...

So much change is happening...again.  All the time, really.
It's crazy how far I'm being pushed to my limits here.  This "growth" things is ridiculous.  A lot of the time I absolutely hate it, but then, at the same time, I absolutely love it.  It's so much more than I can handle; than I want, or can even see ahead of me.  It is so challenging because everything I have ever known if being confronted, and most of the time the message is "you're wrong".  My outlook on people is changing, little by little, by seeing and experiencing all the different people here.  The cultures are so different - geographic, worship, you name it - and it's so incredibly frustrating sometimes, because that "NO MORE" limit screams so often, and yet, somehow, more always comes.  And I always learn something from it.  Albeit might be a delayed recognition or understanding, but it comes...eventually.
Something I've learned that has been a hard lesson to not only recognize, but deal with, is that I have always played a role.  Always.  I have always conformed to whatever the situation called for or needed.  And it has cost me.  I was always unhappy in the end, because at a certain point I would begin to realize what exactly was happening.  So I made the decision that - no matter what - I was going to be me.  Except, that was a harder thing than I ever thought, because, as I've come to find out, I have no idea how to be me.  It's not even as simple as an "I don't know who I am" thing, or an "I'm trying to find/finding myself" thing.  I mean, sure, those things are definitely components and are happening all the time, but that's not the centre of it at all.  It's that even when I do "find myself" in different ways (so to speak), I don't know how to go about doing - or being.  Now I know that sounds really stupid - "if you know, how does it not work" - but it's true.  And because of that, other challenges are getting in the way.  Such has physical manifestations of nervousness and fear that have never in my life been this bad.  It's so frustrating - infuriating, really - but it has made me realize that I don't know how not to be playing a role.  That makes it sound like I'm a really fake person, and really, I'm not - at least, I don't consider myself to be.
This place - it's crazy.  It's maddening and frustrating; infuriating and terrifying; overwhelming and overbearing, and far beyond anything I'm capable of handling.  And yet, it is so incredibly wonderful.  And somehow, I keep "handling" it.  However, what I'm finding out is that my way isn't the right - or the best - way.  But you know, I'm not alone.  The reason why I'm even able to find any of this out in the first place is all because of the eternal Father.  Honestly, I'm getting this feeling lately that He is doing everything, and I am just His helpless puppet.  And while in some ways that is so, incredibly comforting - and I will be His "puppet" for the rest of my life - it poses the question for me, however, as to why He wouldn't want His puppet to be a better reflection of His amazing grace and perfect love than anything I am.  I'm still trying to figure out the answer to that one, but I've received some advice on different things that are connecting to this and starting to bring some realizations to light.
All I really know is that He is doing all of the work.  I ask "please Lord, fill my cup.  Fill it with what you want me to give today.  Fill it, because without what You give me, I have nothing to give."  This was something someone told me about way back in the year, and you know... it's amazing.  He does everything - with Him, I have absolutely nothing.  And when I forget to ask; when that last thought drops out of the front of my mind's eye for even a second - that's when I find myself floundering most.  Go figure, right?
He does it all, and I am gladly His helpless puppet; waiting for Him to pull on the strings and show me what I need to learn/see/know (you name it) next.
I am frustrated, confused, frightened, terrified, and overwhelmingly overjoyed - all at once.  And so many more things that I can't even describe.  I am so far gone that I don't know anything at all.
But then I remember: I don't have to.  He will show me everything - in His time.
"I know nothing, Lord, but that I am here, wanting and willing to serve you."  It's so simple, but at the same time...not simple at all.

Well, I'm off to class - if you can make any sense of any of that, I commend you.

God Bless!