My God is an awesome God

Today has turned out to be just the most wonderful day!

This morning I volunteered at the inner city ministry I'm sure I've mentioned before, and this evening was mid-week Lenten service (the last in the series).  Thos events just always make my Wednesdays to begin with, but today has just been something else.  This morning the lady I went with to volunteering gave me an insight on something I hadn't really seen before, which turned out to be quite helpful.  Throughout the day and trying to work on my essay, I had some great conversations with the chaplain while I was working on my paper in the Chaplaincy Centre.  Something I was working toward doesn't seem like it's going to happen, now, but it appears that in its place I might be able to end up with two bachelor's degrees (plus my certification after my internship).  There still some things to be discussed about that, but it appears very possible and like it may actually happen, which is pretty sweet.  Chapel this morning was wonderful, and today everything just seemed to speak to me in different ways.  God is working, my friends.  This is all Him.
Did you know that today is International Happiness Day?  I had no idea - but during one of my classes this afternoon, one of the ladies mentioned it, after we were all giggling and causing chaos in our distance ed class.  (When I say "all", I mean the five of us...ahah)
So all of this eventually led to me meeting with the faculty adviser with whom I've been working for a certificate, and after discussing a bunch of things, it appears this whole second degree thing might be happening now instead of the certificate.  Now while the certificate is more centralized to the area in which I am most interesting and hoping to have some involvement with eventually, I am two classes short of fulfilling the major requirements for this 3-year degree, minus core and a minor while we be fulfilled by my current major requirements (which are actually greater than this one).  So it's a little jumbled right now, but it's all pretty exciting.  It means meeting with more advisers in the registration department, and trying to get everyone on the same page, but so long as it won't jeopardize the programme I am in now, which is my passion and calling - and my primary concern, of course - I'm all for this.  Two more classes for another degree?  Count me in.  At least, I really hope this works the way it appears it should, but, when dealing with the registration people and the two programmes I am working with, you never know.
So that was all some amazing goodness that went on today.  However, to top everything all off, the lady I was with this morning for volunteering I was also with tonight for church, and we had just this wonderful conversation about music in context of the church, worship, and contemporary versus hymns.  It was just so perfectly timed, too, because this is a topic that not only have I been passionate about for quite some time now this year, but that has also been at the forefront of things this week, in particular, with a paper I am writing for one of my classes.  Today, especially, it was at the top because I was writing on that subject earlier today, and contemporary versus traditional was a big topic not just in terms of worship music, but style and other things, as well.
So that was another wonderful addition to my day.
And then, when I got back to my house, there was an e-mail I have been waiting on since the 14th in my inbox, and that was something funny, too, because we had talked about it in the car on the way back.  The lady who I was talking with had told me about this opportunity to volunteer with a youth gathering that is happening this summer, and she was pretty passionate about it, as she has volunteered at it the last three times it has happened.  She can't this time around because she has a camp counselor position that overlaps with the gathering, but she encouraged me to look into it (I think I may have mentioned this before).  Anyways, I wanted to make sure that everything would be okay if I applied, because I am a communicant member of a sister Synod, and the e-mail included approval for that and the other question I had asked, which was absolutely wonderful.  So now I just need to get my reference and paperwork in order, and they'll place me somewhere, is what I was told.  So I'm quite excited about that.  It isn't local, so I have to pay to fly there and back, plus registration costs, taxi, etc.  So I have no idea how I'm going to pay for that, actually, but I know that it will happen.  It sounds like an amazing experience and opportunity, and I am just so glad that it appears I will be able to be apart of it.
Oh, I almost forgot!  The faculty member I spoke with today has agreed to be one of the references for my programme interview, which is so wonderful of her, and according to her they are still looking for counselors for a vocal camp they run for a week at the end of the summer, which is a paid position and appears it will be quite a few hours, as well.  Now while I doubt that pay will be amazing, it's money, and it's something I would so much rather be doing than the job I have currently (and will continue to have).  Plus, it's a great opportunity for experience, and incorporates music with working with youth, and it's a vocal thing, which is even more specialized.  So she told me who to talk to about that, and hopefully I will end up getting a position with that vocal camp opportunity.
Everything just seems to be falling into place, even though it feels like the pieces are upside-down and backwards most of the time.
Oh, and I got to meet this wonderful gentleman today from South Africa, who is on an exchange with a choir in the city, and he may end up coming to the school as an exchange student in the music programme next year.  He is a percussionist as well as a chorister, but would be studying choir and vocal performance if he comes here next year.  He was such a joy to get to talk with, and (time for some vocal swooning) he was telling about how he was just moved from the Alto section to the Tenor section.  Now, if you're not a music nerd you might not get that, but that means he has a high voice, and male voices are amazing to begin with, but specially high or specially low male voices are just the bees knees (I know, way out of date, but I am too blissed-out to care lol).
There were some crummy parts to today, too, but even they had bright sides.
I'm in for another (virtually) all-nighter again tonight, which is rather sucky - especially considering I'm running on one hour of sleep right now - but such is life.  One paper due at midnight, then another one to write which is due Friday, but I have to have it done my tomorrow afternoon before I go to work, because I won't have time after that before it's due.  The shave is Friday morning, so I'll be super busy with that, and then the research essay gets handed in at 1pm, then after my classes are done, my night off commences!
Now, I can't forget that I have an assignment due Friday by midnight, so I have to make sure that gets done before Friday, as well.
So that puts quite a few things on my to-do list that need to be accomplished before the school/work week is out, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel, folks!
Now that starts me on another topic altogether, but I think I'll save that for another time... I do have the midnight paper to finish, which is now in desperate need of speed.

I just feel so, incredibly blessed today.  I have been feeling a lot of that lately, and I am just so grateful.  This place is insane, but it is just the most amazing place.  It may not be an easy year, but it is definitely worth it.  All of it is just so worth it.

Oh and get this: on top of this wonderful day, THEY'RE CALLING FOR A SNOW STORM!!!
Now if that isn't the greatest Friday present, and exactly what I have been hoping for, then I don't know what is!

Apparently I'm in a sharing mood tonight, but I do need to pop off now.

This Lord has blessed me with so many wonderful things, and so many amazing people.  And even though I don't deserve any of it, I am just so grateful.

Blessing to all! <3
Goodnight! :)

But who am I, really...

So much change is happening...again.  All the time, really.
It's crazy how far I'm being pushed to my limits here.  This "growth" things is ridiculous.  A lot of the time I absolutely hate it, but then, at the same time, I absolutely love it.  It's so much more than I can handle; than I want, or can even see ahead of me.  It is so challenging because everything I have ever known if being confronted, and most of the time the message is "you're wrong".  My outlook on people is changing, little by little, by seeing and experiencing all the different people here.  The cultures are so different - geographic, worship, you name it - and it's so incredibly frustrating sometimes, because that "NO MORE" limit screams so often, and yet, somehow, more always comes.  And I always learn something from it.  Albeit might be a delayed recognition or understanding, but it comes...eventually.
Something I've learned that has been a hard lesson to not only recognize, but deal with, is that I have always played a role.  Always.  I have always conformed to whatever the situation called for or needed.  And it has cost me.  I was always unhappy in the end, because at a certain point I would begin to realize what exactly was happening.  So I made the decision that - no matter what - I was going to be me.  Except, that was a harder thing than I ever thought, because, as I've come to find out, I have no idea how to be me.  It's not even as simple as an "I don't know who I am" thing, or an "I'm trying to find/finding myself" thing.  I mean, sure, those things are definitely components and are happening all the time, but that's not the centre of it at all.  It's that even when I do "find myself" in different ways (so to speak), I don't know how to go about doing - or being.  Now I know that sounds really stupid - "if you know, how does it not work" - but it's true.  And because of that, other challenges are getting in the way.  Such has physical manifestations of nervousness and fear that have never in my life been this bad.  It's so frustrating - infuriating, really - but it has made me realize that I don't know how not to be playing a role.  That makes it sound like I'm a really fake person, and really, I'm not - at least, I don't consider myself to be.
This place - it's crazy.  It's maddening and frustrating; infuriating and terrifying; overwhelming and overbearing, and far beyond anything I'm capable of handling.  And yet, it is so incredibly wonderful.  And somehow, I keep "handling" it.  However, what I'm finding out is that my way isn't the right - or the best - way.  But you know, I'm not alone.  The reason why I'm even able to find any of this out in the first place is all because of the eternal Father.  Honestly, I'm getting this feeling lately that He is doing everything, and I am just His helpless puppet.  And while in some ways that is so, incredibly comforting - and I will be His "puppet" for the rest of my life - it poses the question for me, however, as to why He wouldn't want His puppet to be a better reflection of His amazing grace and perfect love than anything I am.  I'm still trying to figure out the answer to that one, but I've received some advice on different things that are connecting to this and starting to bring some realizations to light.
All I really know is that He is doing all of the work.  I ask "please Lord, fill my cup.  Fill it with what you want me to give today.  Fill it, because without what You give me, I have nothing to give."  This was something someone told me about way back in the year, and you know... it's amazing.  He does everything - with Him, I have absolutely nothing.  And when I forget to ask; when that last thought drops out of the front of my mind's eye for even a second - that's when I find myself floundering most.  Go figure, right?
He does it all, and I am gladly His helpless puppet; waiting for Him to pull on the strings and show me what I need to learn/see/know (you name it) next.
I am frustrated, confused, frightened, terrified, and overwhelmingly overjoyed - all at once.  And so many more things that I can't even describe.  I am so far gone that I don't know anything at all.
But then I remember: I don't have to.  He will show me everything - in His time.
"I know nothing, Lord, but that I am here, wanting and willing to serve you."  It's so simple, but at the same time...not simple at all.

Well, I'm off to class - if you can make any sense of any of that, I commend you.

God Bless!

Love so amazing

When I was responding to an e-mail a few minutes ago, I started filling in a friend of mine on some of the things I have been doing this semester.  And as I did, I realized all of the things I have actually been doing, and the things I do every week.  I know I have been told that I took on too much, and I did have to let some things go this term, but what I had and do have is not the point.  The point, I realized, was the wonderful opportunity I have been given to be able to do these things.  To be exposed to such wonderful opportunities - ministries, communities, etc.  We have a wonderful Christian community here at my school, and a great connection to it is our Chapel-going community.  It's so amazing to be able to worship every morning during the week, and to be a member on one of the Praise teams that takes turns performing for the special services on Fridays.  I think after having been exposed to this for some months now I may have started to take it for granted, and it shouldn't be.  This term especially with some of the things happening around the subject of Chapel have really gotten my fired up, and I am so protective of that time.  It's booked away, and if I have to miss it for some reason, I'm usually not a happy camper.  And when I do miss it, there is usually some part of me that feels off for the day.  It's so much a part of me, and while that makes me vulnerable in a way, it's also  so incredible.  Being able to travel with a team to bring Christ's love to others this term was such a life-changing experience as well.  There was a lot of prep-work involved, and I wasn't even a leader - I can only imagine the stress they were under.  But it all worked out by the Grace of God, and it was amazing.  Absolutely beyond words.  It was in so many ways nothing I expected, but everything I needed.  Our director mentioned in one of the meetings that last time he went His intent was to be a blessing to others through the sharing of God's love, but that he felt others ended up blessing him, instead.  I thought it touching, but wasn't exactly sure what he meant.  I do now.  I cannot wait to go on another trip next year - you'll probably still hear me talk about it until then, too.  Discovering different congregations up here has been such a blessing to me, also.  To see how they worship - it's been something I've talked about quite a bit now.  Worship up here is different than what I'm used to.  Even the more traditional churches have many differences, such as what they wear, how they act, etc.  The first time I went to church up here I was absolutely blown out of my mind.  Everything was different.  The people, the community, the music, the service format, the building style - you name it; it was different.  It was so far beyond my comfort zone that I thought I might explode on the spot.  I didn't like how they had next to no traditional music, and it was overwhelming how many people wanted to say hello and see who I was, where I was from, where I went to school, etc.  I went to that church twice, with some time in-between, and then ended up trying a different church with someone who went to the previous one.  We both loved traditional service, both lived in dorm, and gave it a shot - we loved it.  We stayed there, and eventually through the experience became friends.  As the term progressed, I changed, and after I came back from Christmas break I found I was missing the new church I had begun to fall in love with.  My friend loved it there, too, so we'd go back occasionally, but now that is the church I attend the majority of the time.  I still love the other church as well, and in many ways I feel torn in two, because both communities are made up of beautiful, Christian people, and they are such a joy to be around.  But there is something that has him unable to leave the one church, and myself, the other.  It's a little sad, because going to church without your "church buddy" is sad, I'll admit.  But the point here was that seeing the different ways people worship has broadened my understanding so greatly, and that is something I will continue to be grateful for daily.  The community at the more...contemporary church pushes my limits quite a bit (I'm quite the "awkward turtle" or social introvert), but I always end up gaining something and growing in some way - even if it takes me a while to realize it.  Maybe that's one of the reasons I'm finding it hard to leave now.  I have so many stories I could share with regards to this, but I'm sure you're tired of hearing about this at this point.
One thing I was introduced to this year was serving at a church where an inner city ministry holds a programme for the homeless.  It's been an incredible experience, and I tell anyone and everyone I can about it.  We get up before dawn and leave just before six to go serve breakfast to the homeless, and it is the best part of my week.  I'm the kind of person who hates waking up - no matter how long I'm sleeping, unless I'm waking up alarmless, on my own, good luck getting me out of bed.  Sometimes my alarm and I fight to the death, but in the end, it's so worth it.  If you ever have the opportunity to serve with a ministry like this, do it.  Don't let early hours stand in your way.  Even though I hate waking up, it really makes me appreciate mornings.  And others.
Others...that brings me to another point.  This may be a very small academic community, but there are so many different types of people here.  So many personalities, and opinions, and denominations, and learning opportunities.  There are so many beautiful individuals that I've gotten to meet, and I've been realizing at different points how they have touched me an affected my life this year.  I've gotten to experience so many different people, and have learned so much from them.

I could take forever, as I'm sure you can tell by now, but I do have to get back to the papers I have been procrastinating.  I just thought I'd share some reflecting I was doing after the my e-mail to my friend.
Sometimes when I'm struggling and missing the friends I made from my previous school - when we're so busy we don't have time to talk, when I have no idea what's going on with them, when I find out something extraneously - and when I just wish we could meet up in our busy lives for lunch, or a tea, or even just to study, I begin to wonder about the decisions I've made.  I know in my heart this was the best thing I could have done, but sometimes I still wonder.  But then, I have these moments when God makes so clear all of the blessings He's showered on me, and even though I feel so many different things - including strange and estranged - I feel this sense of peace.  This sense of...home, in a way.  It's a strange way to view home, but I think, nonetheless, it just might be.

So thankful!

I'm out, y'all; God Bless! <3

Count Your Blessings

I'm just feeling so blessed today.  I was going to write last night about an occurrence, but then some things came up, and then something happened this morning to write about.  So here we go...

Last night I went to see the school's musical production, and it was a wonderful evening at that.  My friend and I went and we just absolutely enjoyed ourselves.  Front row, we got to see and make eye contact with those we knew, and even those we didn't.  It was such a wonderful night filled with laughter and enjoyment.
After the show we spoke to some people and congratulated them before leaving, and before parting for our rooms we ran into one of the cast members on his way upstairs and spoke with him for a bit.  While we were talking, majors and courses came up and we were discussing how things become jobs and then they aren't always enjoyed in the same way.  While this was happening I found out that before he came here, he had a scholarship to another college for a full ride to play soccer.  He was all set to go when he busted his knee and had to have surgery, ending his ability to move forward in that direction and lost his scholarship.  This was the path that led him here.  He continued, however, to say how much happier he is here, and although it was a kick in the pants when it happened, it was the best thing.
To hear him talk about this made me feel so much better about my story, and though he started talking about his when I mentioned getting sick in passing, it made me really see how God works in different ways, and also to see how I am not alone.  Though I knew that, of course, sometimes it's easily forgotten, and quite the pained reminder.  I am in agreement with him, though, that this is the best thing that could have happened.  I am so much happier here, and am working every day at living out the plan God has for me, as opposed to the ides I had for myself.  It is bringing me so much joy, and though it definitely isn't "easy", it is right.  And wonderful.

Yesterday I received a last-minute invitation to sing at service this morning, and it was just such a lovely experience.  The way it works at this particular church is that a band gets together and leads in worship to praise God through music.  There are also hymns dispersed throughout led by the organist, in different quantities depending on what is happening that Sunday.  Today communion Sunday, so there was a lot of worship music.  We got together this morning and rehearsed for maybe 45 minutes before service started, and stopped just as it began.  Many of the songs I didn't know, but learned on the spot, and threw in harmonies wherever I could.  It was a frightening and nervous experience to say the least, but it was so joyful and absolutely amazing to be a part of.  It had been so long since I had the opportunity to just enjoy music in it's amazing capacity, and this week has brought me so much fulfillment in that way.
I found myself jealous last night of those in the show, remembering my days at that art and loving the feelings it stirred in me - okay, loving some of them ahah - but to see how the actors were so filled while they performed was such a wonderful thing to witness.  And this morning, seeing how each of the members was so happy to be involved in this experience - regardless of this being established yesterday afternoon - was just so refreshing and overwhelming for me.  In the best way possible.

Being nervous - in general - is something I have to work on, but regardless of that so evident flaw, they are still so welcoming and overwhelming (in both the positive and negative sense, sometimes) and it's amazing to see their kindness overflow to me and to so many others in such wonderful ways.

I just feel so blessed today, and I only ask that my cup continue to be filled so that I may work to pour out joy, love, and kindness onto others whom I meet in my day-to-day life.  Though it can be a lot to see how much people love and care, it is also so wonderful to know that they do.

Thank-you, Lord, for blessing me today, and in this way.

<3

Oh the ways He works

Today was such a roller-coaster.  After getting next to no sleep - which sadly was an improvement from no sleep at all the night before - I was up early to go serve with an inner city ministry along with some others here from school.  Then after getting back, I had to finish some things that were due (one of which I forgot, but thankfully since it was only for discussion purposes, everything worked out), then went to my back-to-back classes.  Choir finished super early, which was awesome, and then I did some course stuff with a girl from my programme and - at one point - our Chaplain.  That's where things really started too get rough.  Insecurities are those annoying things that just jump out at the worst times possible - thanks, of course, to the Devil.  I mention that because sometimes it helps to say it, and to remember that he is real.  I can't exactly explain why...it just does.  Finally once we had to split due to other commitments, I had to take time away from studying (yet again) to go buy some food, and then once we got back I zoomed and ate at the speed of light while trying to get ready for Church.  Which, I was of course not ready for when the people picking me up got here.  For some reason having difficulty getting ready, and then not being all set to go when they got here...it was a big deal.  Again, don't ask me why; I really don't know.  But it just didn't stop there.  The nerves took over and I was an embarrassment for most of the night.  And, of course, people got concerned because the nervous wreck can't even hold a coherent conversation, and isolates herself at the back of the church.  Now, that last part isn't abnormal - I always sit in that spot - it just looks worse when a small portion of the congregation shows up and they all sit on the opposite side, and at the front.  It was such a struggle to get through service tonight, and the challenges only just seemed to calm down, which, was my reason for writing this tonight.
Last week during a conversation with someone at school, they suggested I look into being a young-adult volunteer for a youth gathering, and while I was very interested, I was cautious and unsure, and since I have no experience with any of these kinds of things - regardless of wanting it - I didn't dismiss it, but I didn't really not dismiss it either.  Anyway, tonight when I was doing a grocery run with a friend, I brought it up to him when we were discussing a local youth conference we'd like to volunteer at (or if eligible, possibly attend).  He is now considering it, too, and since he has a car, if we both did it, we'd save quite a bit of money by splitting the cost of gas instead of flying.  Off topic.  Somewhat.
ANYHOW, I was going through courses again - because my brain was in no place to study - and listening to the same song on repeat, when I went looking for something and came across the magazine again that had the information on it for the youth conference that isn't local.  I figured I'd look at it since I was clearly getting nowhere with studying for tomorrow, and it just changed everything.
I don't know how He does it, but everything just always happens at the right time.  His time.
I am so excited to apply to be a part of this event - even if I do have to spend the extra money and fly out there - and not having any experience in anything like this, or any idea of what I'm jumping into for that matter...none of it seems so scary anymore.  And it's seeming to reflect - even though it is only a very little - on the straw the broke the camel's back (so to speak).  Everything just feels okay right now.  It feels good.
I'm exhausted, and frustrated with myself and my current predicament with regards to my exam tomorrow, but it would appear that I'm happy.  And excited about the conference.  There is absolutely no guarantee that I'll even be accepted, but surprisingly, that didn't bring it down.  Everything's just...okay.

It's amazing how things happen sometimes - how God works.  That's my God-sighting for today (to flash back to VBS terms ahah); how God works through what seems fairly insignificant, to help in amazingly beautiful ways, and truly make you feel loved.  It was all set up, and I didn't even realize it.

This Father of ours is so wonderfully amazing.  I don't understand how He got me through this day, or why He decided I was a good choice, but I'm certainly glad He dragged me forward today (and every day) no matter what, and that despite my lack of understanding, chose me.

Take a look at this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0sgBWNgflAU
She is a church worker and musician that I met up here when she spoke at a workshop my professor held when she was in town for a church workers retreat.  Jennifer is truly amazing, and I absolutely love this song.  I was listen to the version from her album, but I just found that video on Youtube and it is beautiful.  Definitely worth a listen - so honest, truthful, and (for me, at least) some overwhelmingly relatable.  This is a topic I've been struggling with especially for a few months now, and she just says it so incredibly perfectly.

I'm off to try and retain some information from my text for my exam tomorrow.

God Bless <3 :)

For Grandma

I feel the breeze and think of you

And all the things you'd always do

The silly smiles and crazy laughs

Ridiculous dancing; incredible crafts

Baking 'till the sun came up

And then some more - who said there's enough?

Great big hugs, and kisses too

Everything said "I love you"

The breeze blows by and whistles near

Says "Never forget - I'm always here"

<3

Amazing love, how can it be?

A big topic this week is the parable of the Prodigal Son.

Yesterday during Bible study an idea was brought forward: Think of somebody who you feel you're having trouble loving.  Put them in your mind, and keep them there.  Now think about ways you could show them your love for them.  This week the task is to try and execute some of the ways you thought of, and continually pray for this person.

This thought presented yesterday really hit me today, not too long ago now.  I know something that's been difficult for me is dealing with the difficulties of loving someone.  It was comforting to know that I'm not alone in that, and this challenge has really made me think about my person.

I love Bible studies.  They're just so amazing.

Not to mention that this parable has been discussed three times in about 24 hours, and each new perspective brings something forth.

There is always something to think about, and it's just so beautiful.

Not to say it can't be frustrating - but it really is beautiful.

Toodles <3 :)

Because I really needed another blog...

So a thought struck me tonight while taking a break from doing homework, and I thought - what if I had a blog where I could write about the different ways in which I saw God work (on any given day)?
Or something like that - it's late.

Tanya's been bugging me about Tumblr versus blogspot for a while now, so here you are sweetie - my newest method of distraction is a blogspot.

Alright, I've procrastinated enough; now, I'm exhausted.  Time for bed - to rise in...less than three hours? Oh dear; it's going to be a long day.

Goodnight. <3 :)