Almost There

So close.

And yet, focus is not present at all.

Unfinished work was handed in, and I was much less bothered than I should have been - or than would be normal for me.

I think about what next summer holds and I wonder how I'm going to make it work... I honestly have no idea - I only know I have to.  I have to make it work, because not only am I so close to my current class being over, but I am so close to being able to graduate according to a schedule.  So close to being able to know that's I'm going to actually get to not only graduate, but walk across that stage, and be a little bit selfish for one day - my day - and be able to say "I did it."

I've been thinking about that alot lately, actually...graduation.  It was always just graduating and earning the degree that was important, not the stage.  Not the actual act of walking across it and being able to know I accomplished something - the degree said that, there's no need to show it off.  Except, I find myself more and more wanting to walk across that stage, and have my day, and take the crazy grad photos, walk the processional and recessional, and shake hands with whomever is on the stage handing me the rolled up piece of paper that simulates the degree I will receive.  It all seems so romanticized in my head, but I want it.  There's still something inside of me that says that's wrong, but somehow it doesn't stop me from wanting it.

I was supposed to be graduating this year, and that isn't going to happen, but I'm honestly okay with it - considering all that's happened, and that it has led to me being the happiest I have been in a long time...I'm really okay with it.  But I don't have it in me to do three more regular sessions, and one - maybe two - classes preventing me from stepping across that stage is driving me mad.  Yes, there's no guarantee that I'll come out of this giant plan alive, but I have to try.  Yes, I could do them the spring/summer before my internship and then walk the stage a year later, after my internship is finished, but really what's the point in that?  If I have to, I will, but it's not something I'm crazy about.

I get like that sometimes...headstrong on something to the point where nothing's going to stop me.  Or at least, if it does, I won't acknowledge it until I've been shredded to pieces and acknowledging it is the only possible option anymore.  That's kind of the problem, apparently.

Well anyways - off topic (as usual ahah).

I think I'm more than ready for a break from classes, but I do wonder what's going to happen next summer when I'm not going to have one, and I'm going to be overloading for most (if not all) of the summer.
Well, that'll come in time, I guess.  I still need to check to make sure of what I need being offered, and where, so if I have to I'll try and beg to get some things swapped around ahah  The way courses are offered is like 95% of the problem ahah
I know though, that what is in God's plan will happen, and if it isn't, then it isn't for a reason.
And as was pointed out to me this year...wouldn't it suck if I made it to the church and was too burned out to do anything.

I hated that advice when I got it.  Mostly because the concept of "burn-out" was foreign to me, and the idea of ever burning out...well it doesn't exist for me.  But once I got past that I realized how real that statement is.  And how destructive we can be to ourselves; how destructive I can be to myself.

It's kind of ironic, really...working to the point of destruction so that I can help others, only to not be able to because I ripped myself apart along the way...

Okay, off topic again.
Sorry.

My mind really tends to go crazy places when I'm procrastinating studying.

I actually saw something on Tumblr tonight that showed a picture of tangled up headphones, with text that said something along the lines of "I have thoughts that are more tangled up than my headphones."
But really, how true is that of thoughts and life?  I mean, I know it is for me...  I would say "maybe I'm the only one", but seeing as someone else thought of it to put it online, I'm clearly not.  That's one thing that can be comforting about the internet...it proves you aren't the only crazy person.  Even when it feels like it. :P

Well, I've stumbled across some new music tonight.  Here's one of the songs I found - pretty cool man.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TNISUqpzroE&list=PLAJOxab0My6Zn5Ani3f-6z8c7R6nImXII

I should probably at least dry-read through the other two chapters of slides, seeing as I only made it through one (smaller of the chapters) in like five hours tonight...

Almost there guys... Exam at 9, and then a break from classes for almost a month!
...Thank I might be a little bit excited? ahah
Not to mention - this will put me half way through my science requirements!  Only three more credits to go for science, woo!

Alright all, I'm off.
Have a wonderful day everyone, and I hope you're all sleeping marvelously and peacefully.

Peace, love, and blessings :)

*smile*

Hey there :)

Well today has been a CRAZY day.

Just made it to the bus this morning to serve, and as always it was such a wonderful experience.  I haven't made it out there the last three weeks, and I was really feeling it.
It's not about me, of course, but I've realized something over the last little while... I have been greatly criticized for everything I take on, and as a result have been given different suggestions and such as to how to better deal (right word?) with things.  And while that has helped a great deal in many ways, it as also opened me up to learning about myself - whether I wanted to or not.  And one thing I've learned is that this desire to serve others is ingrained so deeply in me, and while it can cause problems, it also cannot be ignored.
Something we learned about this year in one of my classes was the wheel of wholeness.  It has many parts, and many different things make up each part.  And while the wheel isn't exactly perfect, it does give enough to give you a helpful tool, and ideas about where you stand.  What I realized today when I was walking back to dorm, however, was that serving is very much a part of my wheel of wholeness. Now that feels selfish to me, and to be honest serving has felt a bit selfish for a little while now, because I am so... addicted (?) to it.  I guess I have more to think on about that part, but this all was definitely food for thought for me today.
While I was there this morning, I managed to get a nice war wound by having my arm stick to a very hot pot.  I actually wasn't the only one to get burned by the pot this morning, and I wasn't even the first (that's only notable because of how often I end up injured ahah).  It was apparently a morning of difficulties with that pot, and a morning of burns.
So long as I don't earn a new nickname because of this one, though...I have enough nicknames up here already ahah

So as the morning went on, I found out I did much better on my most recent mid-term than I thought I had.  And, I did better than the last time, which I don't understand at all to be honest, but is nice, regardless.
In the last half hour or so of this class, we were assigned a big presentation that's due tomorrow, after we just finished lab presentations yesterday (which were HUGE), and there was no warning whatsoever about the one assigned this morning.  It just continues to make me happy that Friday is the last day of this class.

I applied for more jobs again today, and have yet to become productive for this class, which is really going to cause a big problem... :/

There was more excitement today though, as the weather went rather crazy, and tornadoes were sighted and therefore a warning was issued (including our part of the city), and, at some point in all this mess a huge hail storm happened, as well.  Now while I'm not all that shocked about the weather because of where I come from, it did add extra events to the day - that's for sure.

I also found some pretty amazing stuff on Youtube, one of which I'd like to share with you cyberworld.  Te more I listen to it, the more I think.  About the ways God works, and how we as humans think, and how we associate things.
Actually, quite a few things lately have opened me up to how we think, and feel, and so many other things, to be honest.
But I digress.
I encourage you to take a listen to this song - the more you listen to it, the more thoughts and realizations come (at least, that's my experience with it).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SGniRk_GcLs

I'd also like to share with you an article I read today from Relevant Magazine.  I've read a few wonderful and thought-provoking ones lately, and I can't seem to get enough of them.
The one I'd like to share with you at this moment is about loving other people.  It really made me think, and I hope that if you take the time to read it, that it'll make you think, too.
http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/whole-life/loving-hard

Well, I think that might be it for me guys.  It's been quite difficult lately, truly, but even in all of the chaos and mess and brokenness there is love, and light, and hope, and grace.  There is so much in this life that I take for granted, and I'm realizing this more and more lately.
Are you taking things for granted?  Do you even realize it?
What about time...are you making the most of it?
Don't forget that you can take time for granted, too.  And it is not something that is in our control.  So like life, love, and everything else - it's up to us to make the most of it, and ask God constantly what He wants us to do, each and every day.

It's in Your hands, Lord.  All of it, and all of me.
Thank-you for this life.
And everything.
Amen.

Goodnight all;
Good thoughts, and God Bless :)

Blessings, and Ramblings. . . .and a Grateful Heart.

I've realized recently the many blessings I am being showered with that I tend not to appreciate, or possibly take for granted.
It made me realize how many things in life are overlooked, undervalued, and simply just always assumed to be there.
There's one more thing that goes along with this, really...not realizing when what you've been asking for has actually been given to you.

So much has been going on lately that it's difficult to see straight.  Right now, I'm studying for get another exam, and it's much less than promising.
But beyond all the junk in my backyard (so to speak), there is so much good, and so much light.
Yes, I have to take this ridiculous discipline and I don't understand any of it (really - it could be taught in German, and I'd probably get just as much...maybe more), but how many people don't have this opportunity of being able to go to away to school, school through the summer, or even go to school at all?

This is just one train of thought that has countered some of the others, and made me realize how absolutely blessed I am, even though it may seem like I'm sifting through a deserted wasteland.

That's another thing - whatever this is, it isn't deserted.  Receiving is something that I don't do all that well...okay, I don't do it well at all.  I'd like to, but when I'm confronted with these things I thought I'd never get but only hoped for, I can't accept them.

Asking God for something is a tricky business, because what you ask for comes as what you need but not necessarily what you want.  And furthermore, what I'm finding out now is that sometimes, you can't really handle it.  Or at least, another lesson and message is tied up inside it.  Not to say that that's a bad thing - not at all - but it's surely frustrating at times.

That, however, brings me back to "whatever this is" not being "deserted".
Blessings come in any and every form you can think of - people, being one of them.  And those people - those blessings - they are constant reminders and assurance that you are not alone.  They are reminders - whether you want them or not - of just about everything, and they carry with them different messages.
Although this has been something that has made this year extremely difficult, I also don't know what I would have done without them - which, let's face it, is a very scary thought.  We are never alone; He is always with us.  Therefore, we are never deserted.  However, it can be very easy in times of difficulty to listen to the Devil at your shoulder, feeding your brain with every lie he has to offer, and all the problems he's hoping will bring you flat on your face.  But our God knows, and He is much bigger than   that.  He knows we need something tangible to remind us that we are not alone - words that we can hear, eyes that we can see, and hands that we can hold.  That, in itself, is a blessing.

I'm sorry, this might seem like a random blabbering post, but it's just some thoughts fishing around in my mind... some reminders, and some ponderings...

I don't know much, and that might be the only thing I do know.  However, I do know this:
We are never alone, and we are always blessed.